Finding My Tribe - Finding Myself - in "the Rooms"

I grew up in a house of women - four older sisters and a domineering mother who ruled over her daughters and her strapping, former marine corps husband.

Between regular punches and hair pulling from my sisters and being held down by my mother's strong thumb, I decided at an early age that groups of women were something to fear and to avoid.

Join a basketball or softball team? Nah. My favorite sport to watch or play was golf. One club - one person. I steered clear of cliques throughout my teens. As an adult I gravitated towards the mens' side of the room at parties, feeling more at ease. But over the years I began to long to belong to a group of women. I'd watch Sex in the City and envy the bond the women had and the laughs they shared - laughs that were geared towards the feminine.

When I hit rock bottom and went to rehab, I was put in a household of 14 women. That panicked me more than doing the 12 step work or sitting through clinical for five months. I was so scared of living in that house I tried to escape on my third night.

Luckily my husband didn't agree with my leaving and for the next five months I had to work on getting along with females for the first time in my life. My sobriety depended on it. It wasn't easy, and there were a couple of women who made the experience harder, but I'm proud I not only made it through but I bonded with a few and still keep in touch four years later.

But, a group of females that made me feel safe, welcome and accepted? That was something I still was looking for in my first four years of sobriety. That was something I really needed to find in the recovery rooms of the 12 Step program. I needed the understanding of women who knew the issues I had and experienced similar things in life.

And then I realized - if I wanted to belong to a group and feel comfortable, then I had to do some more inner work and find out why this was so hard for me. I came up with one word - trust. In order to feel a part of something I had to let go of my fears and move forward in love and trust.

The universe opened itself up once I was able to do this. I found a flyer for a women's meeting near my home and decided to go. I went with an open heart, an open mind and a willingness to share my deepest feelings. I let myself be vulnerable.

The result has been beyond my wildest dreams. After years of searching I found a group of women who are down to earth, kind, warm, compassionate and accepting.

I wouldn't have found my tribe if I was still drinking, if I didn't open my own heart, if I didn't overcome my trust issues and allowed the universe to present this gift to me. The rooms of the 12 Steps allowed me to grow emotionally and spiritually to a place where I could finally bond with women - to accept and feel accepted.

Speaking of gifts - the founder of the group holds a dinner at her lovely home twice a year for sober anniversary celebrants. I have a few coins under my belt, and in my fourth year this is the third coin I've received (I go to three different meetings), but I've never been surrounded in a circle of love by all women who cheered my success and cheered me as a person of value. I felt valued. I felt loved and accepted.

And, I cried when the kind and beautiful founder of this group 40 years ago, presented me with my coin, a gift of a journal and pen and a personal poem whe painstakingly wrote and created for each of the celebrants. Mine read:

"There was a young lady named Karen - A gal you always could count on! We listen when she shares: She shows how she cares! 'Karen's so witty," we swear on."

Maybe it's silly, but I tear up whenever I look at this funny, little poem sitting now on my desk. It's been a long journey to find a group of women who accepted and valued me. It's been a long journey to find myself and allow my heart to open up after so many closed years.

I'm no longer envious of Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte. With my open heart and my newly rediscovered self and trust, I know my tribe will grow and I look forward to making more and more female friends. I will at least do my best, and as the poem says, I'm "a gal you always (can) count on!"