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When I think to myself, "I hate the holidays", I remember the child I was screaming at my mother or sister, “I hate you!” as angry tears ran down my face and my stomach lurched while I waited for their reaction. Would they cry? Would they hit me? Or worse—were they going to walk away and leave me?
I never really meant it when I yelled those words, hurling them like weapons to wound them as deeply as they had hurt me. My childhood home was filled with anger, and I stockpiled emotional weapons to use when needed.
I didn’t mean half of what I said in anger in that house long ago, and I don’t really mean it when I say I hate Christmas. Like my sisters and mother who hurt me, I don’t hate the day itself, or even the people who caused me pain. What I hate is the hurt Christmas brings.
What is the hurt this holiday brings?
As an alcoholic in recovery, I’ve learned through the 12-Step program that when something disturbs me, it’s not the thing or the person—it’s something inside me causing the pain. The Steps have given me tools to unravel my sometimes scrambled thoughts and to examine what lies beneath.
Why do I need to understand why I feel hurt? Because for most of my adult life I used alcohol to mask my pain, to numb myself, and to hide. I can’t and won’t do that anymore. For me, alcohol only leads to three outcomes: an asylum, prison, or death. As an alcoholic who loves her sober life, I no longer have the luxury of drinking my pain away. I need to face the pain to understand it, to free it, and to free myself so I can recover my happiness and peace of mind.
So, back to the question: What is it about this holiday—how, what, and why—does it hurt?
To find the answer I turn to the Fourth Step to do a moral inventory and unearth the underlying reasons for my pain. Here is the four part method I use (based on the Hyannis Format of the Big Book Study). It's best to write these in four columns from left to right:
Column One - Identify the pain.
I resent (hate!) Christmas.
Column Two - What did it do?
Christmas used to be nice - family gathered around and not fighting. Christmas highlights that my family is gone and that makes me sad and angry to be reminded.
Column Three - What does this effect? (Always use the following eight areas to examine - pride, self-esteem, security, ambition, personal relationships, sexual relationships, money and fear)
1. Pride -
Seeing others celebrate with their families makes me feel “less than” - like I've failed to maintain that ideal.
2. Self-Esteem -
I wonder question if I'm deserving of a stronger or closer family bond, or feel guilt or shame about the situation.
3. Security -
Christmas - to me and Hallmark - is supposed to be about family support and togetherness (like I see in all the holiday movie promos).
4. Ambition -
Pain associated with Christmas often drains my motivation.
5. Personal Relationships:
The loss of family makes me feel hesitant to connect deeply with others because I'm afraid of further loss or rejection. I also feel a bit jealous thinking about how other families might be celebrating together.
6. Sexual Relationships:
Emotional pain creates distance in my intimate relationships. It's hard to feel sexy when you feel sad or angry.
7. Wallet (Money) -
The emotional impact of the holidays often makes me overspend as a way to fill in my feelings of loss or inadequacy, or to avoid the pain. Let's put it this way - the Amazon guy knows my name and address by heart.
8. Fear -
The loss of my family heightens my fears of abandonment, rejection, or being alone. This year I also feel anxious about the future (with my husband battling Stage Four cancer). I'm chuck full of fear, unresolved grief for the past and the future.
Column Four - The turn around: (Learn, resolve and move on!)
A - How was/am I selfish? (What did I want and what didn't I want?)
What did/do I want?
I want the love and support of my sisters, as well as a sense of connection and belonging.
On a deeper level, I want the family dynamic to match an idealized version of what family should feel like—a safe, supportive unit (again, like I see in Hallmark movies).
What didn’t/don’t I want?
I don’t want the reality of the strained or distant relationship with my sisters.
I don’t want to face the emotions tied to their absence, such as grief, anger, or disappointment.
Deeper Reflection:
This "selfishness" is rooted in a natural human desire to feel loved and valued. BUT, clinging to an idealized version of family may prevent me from accepting the relationships as they are or focusing on building connections elsewhere.
B - How was/am I dishonest? (Lies I told myself about this situation)
Lies I tell about them:
They don’t care about me or intentionally exclude me.
Lies I tell about myself:
I’m unlovable, I deserve rejection, I’m the black sheep.
What can be learned:
These assumptions might not be fully true—my sisters may have their own struggles, limitations, or reasons for their behavior that aren’t about me.
Honesty involves recognizing that my worth isn’t tied to their actions. Their behavior might reflect their own limitations, not my value as a person.
Deeper reflection: These lies often stem from unresolved pain, not from truth. I might also be reinforcing these beliefs by interpreting their behavior in a way that fits this narrative. In other words - my thoughts might just be plain wrong!!
C - How was/am I self-seeking? (What did I do to get what I wanted?)
What do I do to get what I want?
Reaching out to my nieces and nephews to feel a connection may be a way of seeking the family bond I desire indirectly.
Overcompensating with holiday decorations and traditions might be an attempt to recreate the fleeting moments of joy and connection from childhood.
Deeper Reflection:
While these actions aren’t inherently wrong, they may come from a place of longing rather than acceptance.
The focus on recreating the past could prevent me from building new traditions or finding connection in the present.
D - What did/do I fear?
Fears identified: Rejection, abandonment, not belonging, being alone.
Deeper Reflection:
These fears are natural, especially when tied to childhood experiences of isolation or being left out.
However, they may also influence my current behavior—like clinging to old memories or avoiding new connections out of fear of further rejection.
What can be learned:
Facing these fears might involve asking: What if these fears aren’t true? What would it look like to create belonging in my life, even without their participation?
By doing this fourth step I found that my pain surrounding Christmas really comes from my longing for connection to others and for personal validation! It has nothing to do with the outside circumstances, and everything to do with the baggage I carry inside my head and my heart.
The personal growth comes from:
Recognizing my worth is NOT determined by others’ actions or opinions (what others think of me is NOT my business! lol)
Accepting relationships as they are rather than as I wish they were.
Building new connections and traditions that align with MY authentic self, rather than recreating the past.
By shifting my focus from what’s missing to what I can create, I’m freeing myself from the patterns that kept me stuck. This opens the door to truly enjoying the holidays, celebrating new traditions with my husband and the family I have—those who love me for who I am. I can embrace the season with an open heart, unafraid, and no longer feel the need to escape through drinking.
Wishing you all peace, love, and a blessed Christmas!
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As you can see with my Christmas example, the fourth step is a useful tool for self-examination. The joy I’ve found is proof that healing is possible!
You can download my free Recovery Guidebook which has different tools and exercises, including instructions and journaling space for Step Four!
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